perfect?

I joined an online group after reading the descriptions of a surprisingly small number. This one is Widows and Widowers Grief Support Group. It’s been helpful. It’s made me cry and laugh and remember.  

Not everyone had a happy marriage. Reading through some of the posts, I don’t know if this is better or worse for the surviving spouse. There are questions though.

Did everyone here have a perfect marriage or does it just seem like it from the posts?

Ha. When can two humans have or do anything perfect? There are spots of perfection. Babies, coffee on the deck, dinner when everyone is in a good mood and the food is also good, getting on the airplane for that trip. 

Perfect just doesn’t happen though. 

Ron was cheerful, friendly, talkative. All. Day. Long! He hopped out of the bed that way. I needed some quiet time. 

Ron helped people immediately when asked. I wanted to look at the numbers and make some plans. Oops! Too late. Already done. 

Ron’s inclination was to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear. I’d rather face reality. 

Ron worked all the time! We never went on a vacation without his phone. I wanted it to just be us. 

We were opposites in so many ways. I know if he was sitting here, he’d have a list of non-perfects of his own about me. And that is OK! Perfect doesn’t happen. 

What does happen is commitment and devotion. I never doubted that he loved me or the kids. He would have walked through fire for us at any time. When we were told he would die, his first comment was that he was ok with that, but he was worried about me. 

What does happen is support and time. I got three degrees, and we moved eight times. Ron retired twice! Both boys grew up, graduated from high school and college and grad schools themselves. Everyone bought at least one home. None of those things could have happened without us both supporting each other.  

What does happen is resilience. There is no way to avoid ups and downs. 

And sometimes giving each other space for different friends and interests. Thank goodness! I can’t imagine how much harder this time would be if in addition to losing him, everything had to start new. 

The sum total of it all is a good life together. A happy marriage. But not perfect. Perfect doesn’t happen.