box of cards

I placed this abundant number of cards in a box without rhyme or reason. Get well cards are mixed in with sympathy and thank you notes. There are cards from kids, from long time friends (notice I didn't say old

), and from those I am still getting to know or haven't even met yet. I'm amazed.

There is such variety in a box like this. Some make me smile. That someone would remember me is so encouraging, and what the kids have to say is flat out hard not to grin over. Some messages remind me that I'm strong, and boy do I need that reassurance. Some remind me of friends who are really sisters and brothers. And so many remind me of God's deep and abundant provision.

I've been a mess this week. I've had to follow up on things that seriously should be tied up in a bow by now. I've made decisions that have made my chest feel like it might explode over the indecision and loneliness they bring. How can something that's in my head have such an incredible physical presence.

I'm trying to break out of this crazy cocoon. I want to write but the words haven't been there. I've longed to share, but I don't know what to make of this unfocused mess where my brain and heart reside.

What I really want to know is - will I ever be me again? Is the me that I will be on the other side going to be so different that I'll be unrecognizable? I just don't know. So many journeys in my life. This one, this one is by far the hardest.